Accountability

 

New year, new me bollocks.

I know the whole mindset of YOU MUST LOSE WEIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS YOU QUALITY STREET EATING MONSTER is wrong and unhealthy, but I feel in my case, it’s long overdue.

After years of riding the bipolar train up and down and back again, trying every known medication and every cocktail of said medication in an attempt to remain stable – I’ve put on a lot of weight (shout out to the mood stabilisers that conveniently increase your appetite and utterly zonk you out, therefore you crave sugar to give yourself a some kind of boost (Goodbye dear full fat Coke, my friend) and the crippling anxiety stopping me from actually doing anything).

However *jazz hands emoji* I’ve been stable for a good 6 months and it’s time to do something about the extra 4 stone I’ve put on thanks to the meds and my poor choices and tackle my nonexistent fitness.

So that’s the plan, lose the extra 4 stone and see where I go from there. Ya never know, I might become one of these running addicts and live in active wear every day and keep going, innit. But for now, little steps, little goals.

This is where the accountability comes in. I don’t want to do this for a week and quit. I don’t want to buy a Fitbit to encourage me to move and then find an excuse not to wear it even though it is bloody ugly. I don’t want to be disheartened by losing little and often rather than 8lbs a week (the lady at Slimming World told me people starting their plan often lose REALLY big in their first week and proceeded to give me the death stare when I lost 2lbs – I didn’t return and cried for 3 days).

I want this to stick, I want to do this. It’s a marathon, not a race innit. So I’m putting it out in the world (or to ya know, 4 people, let’s be honest) to make myself accountable and responsible for this decision. Suffering with a mental illness, it’s easy to make life choices big or small, and then ditch the idea because it’s just too hard or I become unwell suddenly and my little world comes to an abrupt halt.

In the past year I’ve proven to myself I can stick to things even when a little voice is telling me it’d be easier to stop and hide in bed until I don’t feel guilty anymore. So this year I shall be mostly losing 4 stone and getting fitter. I will share my progress on my Instagram weekly and will check in here every so often.

Btw – I’m mummyneversleeps@gmail.com if you want to add me on Fitbit

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prep my lunch and sweat my arse off on the treadmill in my fancy active wear.

What is Cyclothymia?

 

Cyclothymia (or Cyclothymic Disorder) is a rare, chronic personality disorder.

It’s bipolar’s slightly younger, highly annoying little sister. She tries to emulate bipolar in every way she can, but gets it a bit wrong along the way. On the surface they look the same, they even sound the same, it just comes to how they both behave that differs.

Hypomania:

I was misdiagnosed for years because of this. I was always asked by professionals if I ever felt moments of “happiness” and the answer was (is) always simple – no. I don’t. Hypomania is always misconstrued as elation, an invincible high, like a helium balloon caught in a breeze, and most commonly – happiness.

I don’t experience it like that, I’ve come to fear the highs just as I absolutely dread the periods of low mood, or minor depression as the official term is. With the highs, I find it easier to do things, I want to do things, I want to do everything all at once. My mind will pinball around hundreds of different ideas, it’ll settle on one thing, one idea, one plan for a nanosecond before zooming off to the next. I may look happy on the outside, I may sound more animated and alive, but invariably I’ll be getting frustrated with not being able to settle on anything, I’ll become irritable and inevitably, I’ll lose my temper as my mind feels like it’s vibrating with thoughts and I’ll want to curl up in a ball just to make it all stop.

It gives you the air of self confidence that you know what you’re doing when really you know anything but. It makes it impossible to trust your own judgement – is this actually a good idea or am I manic?

Hypomania also comes along with other, stranger symptoms; I get easily overwhelmed by too much noise, as it feels as if sounds are jumbling up with my zooming thoughts. I can’t listen and have a tendancy to interupt conversation with whatever pops into my head.

Minor depression: 

I don’t think I need to go too far into explaining this one.

I have a tough time with describing depression as minor, as far as I’m concerned, depression is depression. For me it’s the bone crushing inability to do anything. It’s world wide indifference. It’s staying in bed all day. It’s not bothering to look after myself or shower. It’s not bothering to speak because what’s the point? It’s simply not caring. It’s numbness and it’s pain.

Mood swings:

Now we know the moods I experience, one of the biggest things with cyclothymia is how rapidly these moods can swing and change. I can go from one end of the spectrum to the other in hours, if not minutes when I’m triggered by something stressful or exciting. When I’m in a bad spell and my medication isn’t doing what it’s supposed to do, I frankly don’t know how I feel, I may have been fine in the morning but high by lunch and down again by the evening.

I was diagnosed with cyclothymia in February 2016, for the forseeable future I will need to take mood stabilisers (traditionally known as anti-psychotics) to balance the swinging scales of my moods and anti-depressants so my lows aren’t as bad as they could be.